Erin's Entrys

So its been just a little over a year since “my world” was turned upside down.  It’s really strange because I’m really far from where I thought I would be at this point in my life.  Scared to death of commitment and playing the field…very atypical of my history.  After my whirlwind of dates and busyness, I’ve spent the majority of this weekend by myself, trying to breathe and catch up on things that I haven’t allowed time for.  Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love dating, country dancing, and my thrilling social life, but I miss a few things too.  The problem is I don’t think I miss any of it enough to jump back in, or maybe I just havent met the right person. 1. The biggest thing I miss is cuddling.  I absolutely love my cuddle nights (some guys are just SO good at it!), but there is something about having someone there with you at night…every night.  I miss that.   2. The only other thing I miss is feeling like I have a purpose in a relationship, like I’m commited to someone, and I matter to them.

I was thinking the other day and came to the conclusion that since I was 18 years old, I haven’t been single longer than a couple months (if even a month)…WOW have I changed…and guess what?!  It’ll probably be that way for awhile.  The jury’s still out on whether thats a good thing or not.

Portfolio Photoshoot with Josh

I know whats right for me most of the time. However, the problem is I’m not all that great at getting rid of whats not good for me because I can always find a reason to keep it in my life. The eternal optimist…thinking that someone or something ALWAYS has something positive to add. I really think that they do have something to add, but the chances are much higher that they will take away much more than what they can add.

Tonight I called Elise because her feedback is always so spot on. She knows me as well if not better than I know myself and she calls me on the BS that I so frequently feed people not so close (Okay Okay and those closest to me…let’s face it, I’m really good at sales)

I just had to laugh after telling her all that has been going on with me to only hear…”You are just calling me to get reffirmation on what you already know” She was right. I knew what was right without her, but its nice to hear from someone else because just because I know doesn’t make it easy, and it doesn’t necessarily mean I will actually do it.

I’ve recently come to the realization that despite popular belief (held by some and laughed at by those who know me well) I’m far from a good girl (or at least a goody goody). It’s just not who I am. I have too much pride, independence, and attitude (possibly even craziness) for that to ever describe me. The reason that I am good, is because I’ve made the choice to be…and I have to fight like hell to stay that way, just not the same way as most.  Because of my pride, independence, and attitude, I’m attracted to people who are similar to me.  I love being around people with the same outlook on life as I have.  There’s nothing wrong with having edge, but the problem lies with intentions.  I can love spending time with someone like myself, but unless they fight to be “good” or to have high moral standards, the difference is night and day.  I HATE ADMITTING THAT BECAUSE THEY CAN BE SO MUCH FUN but they are also toxic to me and the life I’ve chosen.  I’ve made too much progress to jump on a slippery slope and slide backwards.

I’ve spent some time getting to know a couple guys lately.  One that thinks I’m a goody goody, and the other that thinks I’m a bad girl through and through that masquerades or tries to be as good as possible.  The latter asked me (referring to the first) “has he ever talked to you? ”  My reply was “he doesn’t ask the right questions”

I’ve decided that people decide on their own what they want you to be…and then they ask the questions that are safe and won’t alter their preconceived notions.  I think its easier for them to believe the lie that they tell themselves than to get out of their comfort zone and actually find out the truth abotu a person…I know I do the same thing…I need to break that habit…

The good news is, the option that I really want, isn’t bad for me for once (despite what he wants me to believe) :)

 I very rarely do the right thing in matters of the heart…maybe if I start now, I might have a different end result

Dear Elise…I miss your wit…post something on your blog so I can steal it for mine   love ya … hehehe

I don’t feel like being creative and coming up with something to write about on my own.

Facebook privacy settings…PATHETIC…I set my privacy settings awhile ago, so that only my friends on facebook could see my information.  With all the changes that are constant with facebook, apparently anyone could see most of my information.  I’m pretty pissed about it right now, Why you ask?  Because my blog was exposed.  There is a reason that I use my middle name (which no one can pronounce, remember, or spell) as the address for the page, so only those people who really know me, or have been approved as a facebook friend can read my information. I’m sure that some people don’t put much thought into who thier facebook friends are, but I honestly do.  If I have approved a facebook friend, it might not mean that we are “bestest” friends, but it does mean that its okay for you to access my information and at least then I know that you have access to my blog.  Some of the hardest and best times I have been through are documented here, along with my thoughts and emotions that are associated with those times.  Things that are meant for friends, people who know and care about me.  Ocassionally even seeking advice from good friends.  I NEVER USE MY BLOG TO BASH ON PEOPLE OR TO BE CRUEL, so if you find something offensive, it wasn’t intended and you probably are thinking too deeply.  

If you just met me and I have cleared you as a facebook friend, guess what…read away…chances are you will probably find out a lot of surprises that you didn’t know…probably not all good since my life has been a bed of roses, with plenty of thornes. 

If I don’t know you, you just got my number and are creeping to find out more about me, or something of the sorts…Please get off my blog…its not intended for people to psychoanalyze me, get to know me without any effort, or worst yet, to try to use thier knowledge of my past circumstances to their advantage.

If you want to get to know me and this situation fits you, try other venues such as becoming a facebook friend, or wow maybe even talking to me in person, I know a strange concept in the 21st century  

To all, I apologize if this sounds harsh, there are just some things that I think are between friends.  There are also things that are mine to tell and control who knows.  After all, if I’m going to be judged by my past (which at some point I’m sure I will be), I’d at least like to know who I’m being judged by and have a defense

If you are a stranger who found this blog through a blog of my friend, disregard all of this.  I have no problem with blog surfers who just enjoy completely random people’s thoughts.

oooo..before I get deep into thoughts I just had to share this pic from last night’s halloween party…YOU GUESSED IT….Andrew won BEST COSTUME   TONS OF FUN!

~New beginnings~

…Sad but a reality… 

This excerpt comes from the blog of you guessed it…ELISE…

“My fairy tale will come true…

I have a [WILD] imagination. The fairy tales I have in my head are very intriguing and would make one heck of a romance novel if they were to come to fruition. My imagination gives me hope….it makes me excited for what *could* be. But in the end, is my imagination setting me up for disappointment?

There are thousands of possible scenarios running through my brain at any given time: job scenarios, social scenarios, dating scenarios. All of these scenarios exist in my head – where they are safe and no one but me can control them. Ahhhh wouldn’t that be great!? Wouldn’t it be amazing if I truly had control over what happened in life!?! OK, I know that isn’t how it goes….that all of these things are out of my control….but wouldn’t it be nice if just one of those fairy tales came true??

Violence is spread world wide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why can’t we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okay
But I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way ..

Just wanted to blog on this, but I don’t have time right now, so I wanted to write it down so I would remember..

I always made fun of those girls on the dance team who got extensions and they either were the wrong color or just looked dumb.  I promised myself I wouldn’t be one of those girl EVER not even for Halloween.  However, I found some perfectly matching extensions today and I’m counting on you to give me the honest opinion of how fake does it look….Don’t hold back or I will individually fly to wherever you are and beat you for allowing me to look like an idiot!

To many people outside of the LDS religion, when someone thinks of a Mormon, they think of a person with outstanding moral character and fiber.  I would like to think of that as true, or at least hope that it is a goal that we strive for.  HOWEVER, recently have come to find that many also associate this character to mean that fun and humor is frowned upon.

Recently, I have noticed a common trend in much of my conversation.  Attempting to find a balance between my past prior to my baptism (childhood, high school, college including being a bartender, model, and all the crazy fun) and my life now.  Being newly baptized (nearly 3 years ago), I did everything I could to learn about the gospel and to implement it in my life.  I had an absolute blast in a new way…the Provo way…where alcohol is never around and people find creative ways to have a good time.  I loved it!  Then when I was married, I continued.  However, while I delved into the scriptures and tried to better myself, I ignored my past and wanted to pretend like none of it happened.  How ignorant I was.  Some of my favorite memories occurred during those times.  Some amazing friendships created.  Many lessons learned.  Granted, some decisions (well probably alot of them) were extremely poor choices, but I have since repented and been forgiven of them.  By not acknowledging and embracing my past, I had forgotten so much of what makes me the person I am.  We are molded by our experiences and become more prepared for the future if we continue learning (from both the positives and negatives) along the way.

I try to be the Mormon of outstanding moral fiber, but I maintain that a person can do that and keep thier sense of humor, thier love for life , and an open mind.  I learn from those of other faiths on a regular basis, relating both to things of a temporal and spiritual nature.  I know I’m not perfect.  Although I continue to strive for that, I recognize that its much more than not swearing (which I’m not all that great at), but instead a change of heart. For the past few years, I tried to be perfect in ways that were noticeable, to appear to be a good Mormon, but I have always known that my weakness is judging others primarily from thier appearance and making fun.  I’ve decided that instead of focusing on those things that make me appear to be a good Mormon, I instead need to focus on the not so noticeable, such as the commandment to love your neighbor as yourself.   I’ll be a work in progress.

 I am happy to be around others’ that don’t share the same belief system as myself.  It gives me the opportunity to remember why I believe what I believe and enjoy the company of some really awesome people.  I’m perfectly content being around my friends in thier comfortable settings even if that means in a bar or somewhere that alcohol is present.  I’m strong enough to resist temptation regarding the word of wisdom, but I’m not willing to miss out on the friendship of great people who share similar beliefs, but not identical.  In short, I won’t be shedding this personality in an attempt for perfection, I’ll just work on perfecting ME.

Things I love, missed, and recognize are AWESOME!  (and make me really happy!)

My College Friends (even the gasp liberal one) hehe Elise!

Hip Hop Music and dancing

Country dancing

People of different walks of life with different opinions

Throwing an absolute fit about Illinois Football

Laughing about the past

**Amended due to Whitney:  Dancing at Station…with or without a dance floor…because does it really matter if its not really a dancing kinda place?  NO!

**Learning to cwalk in the back of Joe’s…had it for about a year…tried again last week…NOPE don’t remember

This list is ALOT longer…Im just getting writers block!

Go Utes! But only in FOOTBALL!

Does anyone have any idea how to add a blog to your blogroll that isn’t on WordPress?  Elise just started a new blog that I would like to easily track (she cracks me up!), but I can’t seem to figure it out.  Help would be appreciated!

Life is AWESOME right now!  Very few complaints!  School is great and will be winding down soon.  I have been teaching finance quite  lot at Murray High.  I will probably be student teaching there in January, which might be cause to move to SLC which could be a lot of fun, but I’m still undecided.  I’m still working on Carissa, but I think Kristy is sold on the idea   Very few complaints except I think (actually I know) I spend more time turning guys down for dates and explaining why I don’t want to date them, then I actually do dating the one I want.  Love football season and hate football season all at the same time.  WELL actually the only thing I really hate about football season is that  ILLINOIS FOOTBALL sucks right now…One of the only truly great things about living in the West is that I don’t have to endure the pain of watching every week.  If I actually got it on tv, I would watch it, then EVERY Saturday would be ruined for quite awhile.

My motto: You have to at least like em...If you aren't die hard at least pretend to be for my sake EVEN IF THEY SUCK!

I went clubbing (Studio 600 doesn’t count!) for the first time in about 4 years a few weeks ago.  Loved it!The company was awesome, but I didn’t realize how much I missed all my IL girls, both Charleston and Champaign alike.  Although I wonder what it would be like if I did move back to Illinois.  I know most everybody has moved, so I know it wouldn’t be the same (and the fact that I don’t drink anymore might change it up a little!), but I’m sure it would still be a blast!

Interesting to consider that I still have NO IDEA where I’m going to end up.  I think I might work on a massive campaign to return all of my best friends to the same region of the country.  Then it would make it a lot easier to figure out where I wanna be!  Until then Carpe Diem and make the Choice to be Happy

Great things and the not so great

Greats

1.  My new job (Best Buy Business Manager)…I LOVE IT!  I really enjoy going to work.  I love the new friends I’ve made and have a blast…WHO KNEW that bowling below 100 could be so freaking fun (I really don’t think I have accomplished that feat since 6th grade!)  Only when there is a video camera I guess!

2.  School…Its unbelievable that I’m half way done with my Master’s.  If I could get paid to be a full-time student, I would be a student the rest of my life.  I really like learning and feeling like I am learning something new everyday.  I’ve gotten the chance to observe and help a little bit in a finance class, and I feel like I belong there.

3. Softball…although I’m now only down to Wednesday night leagues, I love it!  It’s so nice to get some time just to play with Women who can actually throw and catch and have bomb personalities.  It’s nice to actually have my throwing arm back after it sucking for 6 years.  Its nice to be able to do something that I’m pretty good at again.

4.  Friends and Family…I got to go home for 10 days in August.  It had been a VERY long time since I was able to be home for such an extended period of time.  It was great to play in a golf tournament with my mom, uncle, and grandpa and just spend time at home without responsibilities.  Its also so good to know that no matter what happens in your life or how much time has passed…some people/things never change.  (ILL—I’ll leave it to the girls to complete.)  At the same time though, its comforting to know that some people do change…they become better.  It’s been good to reunite or get to catch up with people who disappointed me in the past…some things don’t work out for a reason.

5.  It’s FOOTBALL SEASON and YES BYU just upset Oklahoma!  I’m so excited to cheer on BYU and the ILLINI (if I don’t give up halfway through the season!)  and I’ll throw in the Utes to that equation.  I have BYU season tickets so its going to be a fun time!

6.  The FAMILY is coming to town…in a couple weeks my brother, sister in law, and Mom and dad are coming in town to root Florida State on to a …LOSS…!  I’ll be in the Florida State section yelling as loud as I can for the COUGS ruining my brother’s day   We are also going to Lake Powell for a couple days.  My brother has never been to visit me in Provo, and this will only be my dad’s second trip in the 4 years I’ve lived here, so I’ve learned to cherish it because it doesn’t happen very often.

7.  BOATING…was an absolute blast this season!

8. My Faith…has given me my sanity

Not So Greats

1. The Praxis:  I take the test for the Business Education and Health and P.E. certification on Saturday and I’m spending tons of time studying…things are not looking great!  I’m sensing a retake for at least 1!

2.  Not having a Full-time paycheck:  I never realized how comfortable I was with my paycheck.  Its not like a made a ton, but cutting your hours in half really doesn’t enable a great lifestyle.  Needless to say, I haven’t been shopping or eating out near as much as I would like!

3. Illinois Football Sucks…check the score on ESPN and its self-explanatory.

4. the UNKNOWN…I don’t know what I want in so many ways and  I feel like I don’t have control of much…